Joke collection nr. 1
by Jacob Holdt Note: these jokes (uncensored and certainly not all politically correct) are shown in the order I received them in emails from good and really "bad" American friends. I may have many jokes, but even I don't "get them all."
{ Back to the worst joke: American Pictures or my English or Danish homepage }
It is time to elect the world leader, and your vote counts. Here's the facts about the three leading candidates.
--Candidate A - Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.
--Candidate B - He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.
--Candidate C - He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any extra-marital affairs.
Which of these candidates would be your choice?? scroll down. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt (FDR)
Candidate B is Winston Churchill
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler
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Cats...
1. Cats do what they want, when they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. They whine when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play they want to be alone.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8. They're moody.
9. They leave hair everywhere.
10. They drive you nuts.
Conclusion: They're like little, tiny women in cheap fur coats.
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At the Vet
A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettable, is dead.
The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says,
"I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes.
The vet answers, "$650.
"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man....
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."
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Reasons Tinky Winky can't be Gay:
1. The Purse doesn't match the shoes. Purple AND Red, I mean really,
clash-o-rama!
2. He's kinda' obese. Everybody knows that gay men (especially public
figures) are in remarkable shape.
3. That headpiece. While I rate it for its FABULOUS height, it really
doesn't have much in the way of frills, its just a triangle. A true
gay person would have accessorized it with beads and/or something
frilly.
4. He hangs out in a meadow.....ummmm skip that one, George Michael in
the park ruined that analogy for me.
5. He's a really bad dancer. Nuff said.
6. The name Tinky Winky. I don't know a gay man on the planet who
would go with a name like that.... I mean HELLO, it screams "I'm small
"down there" and I don't care who knows it"!
Sorry, Tinky can't be gay.
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Insights from Leaders Of the Right
"The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. it is about a socialist, anti-family, political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians."
-Pat Robertson
"The courts are merely a ruse, if you will, for humanistic, atheistic educators to beat up on Christians"
-Pat Robertson
"You say,"You're supposed to be nice to the Episcopalians, and the Presbyterians, and the Methodists, and this, that, and the other thing"--nonsense! I dont have to be nice to the spirit of the anti-christ!
I can love the people who hold false opinions, but i don't have to be nice to them."
-Pat Robertson
"Its very healthy for a young girl to be deterred from promiscuity by fear of contracting a painful, incurable disease, or cervical cancer, or sterility, or the likelihood of giving birth to a dead, blind, or brain-damaged baby (even ten years later when she may be happily married)"
-Phyllis Schlafly
"In the end all your knees will bow to Jesus Christ whether you want to or not"
-Kevin Tebedo, director of Colorado for Family Values, to an audience
composed of various religions
"Who are the beneficiaries of the court's protection? Members of various minorities including criminals, atheists, homosexuals, flag burners, illegal immegrants (including terrorists), convicts, and pornographers"
-presidential candidate, Pat Buchanan
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And Just Plain STOOPUD!
1. Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old
man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two
(counterfeit) $16 bills.
2. A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his
49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him,
while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's
head.
3. A company trying to continue its five-year perfect
safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging
the use of safety goggles on the job. According to
Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory
industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers
suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening
room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven
stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while
watching the film.
4. The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on
nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating
one within city limits.
5. A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in
St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene,
fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to
complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
6. Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13
years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took
the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it
reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker
confused the copier with the shredder.
7. A convict broke out of jail in Washington, DC, then a
few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for
robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to
see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized
his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse
in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.
8. Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a
suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and
connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine.
The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and
police pressed the copy button each time they thought the
suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie
detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
9. When two service station attendants in Ionia,
Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated
robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still
refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.
10. A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of
walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph
chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the
vehicle to a stop.
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A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
"I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
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REASONS TO KEEP AN OPEN MIND ABOUT THE OPINIONS OF OTHERS
"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." --Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949
"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.' --Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
"But what ... is it good for?" --Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." --Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977
"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." --Western Union internal memo, 1876.
"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" --David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.
"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible." --A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)
"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" --H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.
"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper." --Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind."
"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make." --Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.
"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.' --Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." --Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.
"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this." --Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3M Post-It" Notepads.
"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." --Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.
"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." --Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.
"Everything that can be invented has been invented." --Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, US Office of Patents, 1899.
"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction". --Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872
"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon". --Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.
"640K ought to be enough for anybody." --Bill Gates, 1981
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This Texan decides to try skydiving. He jumps out of the plane, pulls the ripcord and nothing happens.
On the way down he passes a guy going up, so he hollers, "Hey, y'all know anything about parachutes?"
The guy says "No, do you know anything about gas barbecues?"
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okay, okay, i know some of these are old - but a few have slipped in and are quite funny!!! GUNG HAY FAT CHOY!!! Happy New Year! CHINESE EBONICS Are you harboring a fugitive? (Hu Yu Hai Ding?) Approach me. (Kum Hia) Stupid Fellow (Dum Gai) Small horse (Tai Ni Poni) Prices are too high here (No Bai Dam Ting) Miami vacationing agreed with you (Ya Mai Ti Tan) I bumped into a coffee table (Ai Bang Mai Ni) Have you considered a face lift? (Chin Tu Fat) You try saving electricity? (Wai So Dim?) Unauthorized execution (Lin Ching) Inquiry to determine if bus is due (Hao Long Wei Ting?) Plaything belonging to ancient emperor (Ming Toy) You're blowing your diet (Wai Yu Mun Ching?) Keep out of the pond (Noh Wei Ding) Tow-away zone (No Pah King) Don't you know anything by Cole Porter? (Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?) You are not very bright (Yu So Dum) I have a press pass (Ai No Pei) I don't deserve the death penalty (Wai Hang Mi?) You're suffering from chronic halitosis (Yu Bai Sen Sen Nao) Remain out of sight (Lei Lo) Cleaning automobile (Wa Shing Cah) Did someone fertilize the field? (Hu Flung Dung?) Your body odor is offensive (Shu Man Go) They are approaching (Hia Dei Kum) Chinese Ebonics
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Happy New Year!
CHINESE EBONICS Are you harboring a fugitive? (Hu Yu Hai Ding?) Approach me. (Kum Hia) Stupid Fellow (Dum Gai) Small horse (Tai Ni Poni) Prices are too high here (No Bai Dam Ting) Miami vacationing agreed with you (Ya Mai Ti Tan) I bumped into a coffee table (Ai Bang Mai Ni) Have you considered a face lift? (Chin Tu Fat) You try saving electricity? (Wai So Dim?) Unauthorized execution (Lin Ching) Inquiry to determine if bus is due (Hao Long Wei Ting?) Plaything belonging to ancient emperor (Ming Toy) You're blowing your diet (Wai Yu Mun Ching?) Keep out of the pond (Noh Wei Ding) Tow-away zone (No Pah King) Don't you know anything by Cole Porter? (Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?) You are not very bright (Yu So Dum) I have a press pass (Ai No Pei) I don't deserve the death penalty (Wai Hang Mi?) You're suffering from chronic halitosis (Yu Bai Sen Sen Nao) Remain out of sight (Lei Lo) Cleaning automobile (Wa Shing Cah) Did someone fertilize the field? (Hu Flung Dung?) Your body odor is offensive (Shu Man Go) They are approaching (Hia Dei Kum) ____________________________________________________________
Brief Intelligence Test
A quick test of perception: Don't cheat!
Read this sentence:
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE- SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF- IC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS.
Now count ALOUD the F's in that sentence. Count them ONLY ONCE: do not go back and count them again. See below...
Answer below:
ANSWER:
There are six F's in the sentence.
There is no catch. Many people forget the "OF"'s. The human brain tends to see them as V's and not F's.
Pretty weird, huh? It fools almost everybody
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FAMOUS QUOTES FROM J. DANFORTH QUAYLE
Recently, DePauw graduate Dan Quayle announced his intentions to run for President of the US in 2000. Since the average attention span in the US is about as long as the average sitcom, and since many voters may not have been watching the news when these were said the first time, we provide you with this list of famous Quayle quotes. Enjoy these thought-provoking words of wisdom from the man who would be our next president.
"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people." (J. Danforth Quayle)
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." (J. Danforth Quayle)
Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child." (J. Danforth Quayle)
"Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts." (J. Danforth Quayle)
"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe." (J. Danforth Quayle)
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is." (J. Danforth Quayle)
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century." (J. Danforth Quayle)
"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy but that could change." (J. Danforth Quayle)
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared.'" (J. Danforth Quayle)
"May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world." The Quayles' 1989 Christmas card. [Not a beacon of literacy, though.]
"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things." (J. Danforth Quayle)
"I have made good judgments in the Past. I have made good judgments in the Future." (J. Danforth Quayle)
"The future will be better tomorrow." (J. Danforth Quayle)
"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world." (J. Danforth Quayle)
"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history." (J. Danforth Quayle)
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." (J. Danforth Quayle)
"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe." (J. Danforth Quayle)
"Public speaking is very easy." (J. Danforth Quayle)
"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican." (J. Danforth Quayle)
"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix." (J. Danforth Quayle)
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls" (J. Danforth Quayle)
"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame." (J. Danforth Quayle)
"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it." (J. Danforth Quayle)
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur." (J. Danforth Quayle)
"For NASA, space is still a high priority." (J. Danforth Quayle)
"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children." (J. Danforth Quayle)
"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Dan Quayle may or may not make." (J. Danforth Quayle)
"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made." (J. Danforth Quayle)
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." (J. Danforth Quayle)
"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system." (J. Danforth Quayle) *********
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An Anagram is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. No letters can be used twice or left out.
The following ones are exceptionally clever (someone out there either has way too much time on their hands or is deadly at Scrabble)
Word/Phrase Anagram ___________________
Dormitory/ Dirty Room
Evangelist/ Evil's Agent
Desperation/ A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code/ Here Come Dots
Slot Machines/Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity/ Is No Amity
Mother-in-law/ Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms/ Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness/ Genuine Class
Semolina/ Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries/ Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point/ I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes/ That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two/ Twelve plus one
Contradiction/ Accord not in it
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This one is truly amazing:
"To be or not to be: that is the question, whether its nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune."
ANAGRAM:
"In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten."
And for a contemporary one:
"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind."
(Neil Armstrong, on the moon)
ANAGRAM: "A thin man ran; makes a large stride, left planet, pins flag on moon. On to Mars."
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And a final one, a perfect accompaniment to the impeachment trial;
you're not going to believe this:
"President Clinton, of the USA"
ANAGRAM
"To copulate, he finds interns"
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A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says happily.
A little while later he goes to McDonalds for lunch and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "I'd guess that you're 29?"
"Nope, I am actually 47."
He's starting to feel really good about himself. While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."
As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."
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Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History and Logic.
"What's 'Logic'?", the first redneck asks.
The professor answers by saying: "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weedeater"?
"Yup. Sure do".
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard", replied the professor.
"That's real good!" says the redneck.
The professor continues: "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."
Impressed, the redneck says: "Amazin'!"
"And, since you own a house, logic dictates that you probably have a wife".
"That's Betty-Mae! This is incredible!"
The redneck is obviously catching on.
"Finally, since you have a wife, I can logically conclude that you are heterosexual", said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why, that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever did hear! I can't wait to take that there logic class!!"
The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting. "So what classes are ya takin'?" asks the friend.
"Math, History and Logic!" replies the first redneck.
"What in tarnation is 'Logic'??" asked his friend.
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater?" asked the first redneck.
"No", his friend replied.
"Fag!"
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Dear Cassius: Are you still working on the Y-Zero-K problem? This change from BC to AD is giving us a lot of headaches and we haven't much time left. I don't know how people will cope with working the wrong way around.
Having been working happily downwards forever, now we have to start thinking upwards. You would think that someone would have thought of it earlier and not left it to us to sort it all out at this last minute.
I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn't done something about it when he was sorting out the calendar. He said he could see why Brutus turned nasty. We called in Consultus, but he simply said that continuing downwards using minus BC won't work and as usual charged a fortune for doing nothing useful. Surely we will not have to throw out all our hardware and start again?
Macrohard will make yet another fortune out of this I suppose. The money lenders are paranoid of course! They have been told that all usury rates will invert and they will have to pay their clients to takeout loans.
Its an ill wind ...... As for myself, I just can't see the sand in an hourglass flowing upwards. We have heard that there are three wise men in the East who have been working on the problem, but unfortunately they won't arrive until it's all over.
I have heard that there are plans to stable all horses at midnight at the turn of the year as there are fears that they will stop and try to run backwards, causing immense damage to chariots and possible loss of life. Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment of transition.
Anyway, we are still continuing to work on this........
{ Go to (better?) jokes 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13 }