Joke collection nr. 1
by Jacob Holdt

Note: these jokes (uncensored and certainly not all 
politically correct) are shown in the order I received them 
in emails from good and really "bad" American friends. 
I may have many jokes, but even I don't "get them all." 
{ Go to (better?) jokes 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13 }
{ Back to the worst joke: American Pictures or my English or Danish homepage }
It is time to elect the world leader, and your vote counts. Here's the
facts about the three leading candidates.
--Candidate A - Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with
astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8
to 10 martinis a day.
--Candidate B - He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon,
used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.
--Candidate C - He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't
smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any extra-marital affairs.
Which of these candidates would be your choice?? scroll down.
Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt (FDR)
Candidate B is Winston Churchill
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler


1.  Cats do what they want, when they want.
2.  They rarely listen to you.
3.  They're totally unpredictable.
4.  They whine when they are not happy.
5.  When you want to play they want to be alone.
6.  When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7.  They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8.  They're moody.
9.  They leave hair everywhere.
10. They drive you nuts.
Conclusion: They're like little, tiny women in cheap fur coats.
At the Vet
  A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog,
  screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an
  examination room and has him put his dog down on
  the examination table.  The vet examines the still,
  limp body and after a few moments tells the man
  that his dog, regrettable, is dead.
  The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept
  this, demands a second opinion.
  The vet goes into the back room and comes out with
  a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body.
  The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking
  and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet
  and meows.  The vet looks at the man and says,
  "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."
  The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.
  The vet brings in a black labrador.  The lab sniffs the
  body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the
  vet and barks.  The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm
  sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."
  The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the
  vet and asks how much he owes.
  The vet answers, "$650.
  "$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man....
  "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you
  $50 for my initial diagnosis.  The additional $600 was
  for the cat scan and lab tests."
Reasons Tinky Winky can't be Gay:
1. The Purse doesn't match the shoes. Purple AND Red, I mean really,
2. He's kinda' obese. Everybody knows that gay men (especially public
figures) are in remarkable shape.
3. That headpiece. While I rate it for its FABULOUS height, it really
doesn't have much in the way of frills, its just a triangle.  A true
gay person would have accessorized it with beads and/or something
4. He hangs out in a meadow.....ummmm skip that one, George Michael in
the park ruined that analogy for me. 
5. He's a really bad dancer. Nuff said.
6. The name Tinky Winky. I don't know a gay man on the planet who
would go with a name like that.... I mean HELLO, it screams "I'm small
"down there" and I don't care who knows it"!
Sorry, Tinky can't be gay.
Insights from Leaders Of the Right
"The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women.  it is about
a socialist, anti-family, political movement that encourages women 
to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft,
destroy capitalism, and become lesbians."
    -Pat Robertson
"The courts are merely a ruse, if you will, for humanistic, atheistic
educators to beat up on Christians" 
    -Pat Robertson
"You say,"You're supposed to be nice to the Episcopalians, and the 
Presbyterians, and the Methodists, and this, that, and the other
thing"--nonsense!  I dont have to be nice to the spirit of the
I can love the people who hold false opinions, but i don't have to be
nice to them."
    -Pat Robertson
"Its very healthy for a young girl to be deterred from promiscuity by
fear of contracting a painful, incurable disease, or cervical cancer, or
sterility, or the likelihood of giving birth to a dead, blind, or brain-damaged baby
(even ten years later when she may be happily married)"
    -Phyllis Schlafly
"In the end all your knees will bow to Jesus Christ whether you want to
or not"
    -Kevin Tebedo, director of Colorado for Family Values, to an audience
composed of various religions
"Who are the beneficiaries of the court's protection? Members of
various minorities including criminals, atheists, homosexuals, flag burners,
illegal immegrants (including terrorists), convicts, and pornographers"
    -presidential candidate, Pat Buchanan
And Just Plain STOOPUD!
 1. Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old
 man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two
 (counterfeit) $16 bills.

 2. A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his
 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him,
 while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's

 3. A company trying to continue its five-year perfect
 safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging
 the use of safety goggles on the job. According to
 Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory
 industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers
 suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening
 room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven
 stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while
 watching the film.

 4. The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on
 nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating
 one within city limits.

 5. A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in
 St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene,
 fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to
 complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

 6. Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13
 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took
 the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it
 reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker
 confused the copier with the shredder.

 7. A convict broke out of jail in Washington, DC, then a
 few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for
 robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to
 see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized
 his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse
 in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

 8. Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a
 suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and
 connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine.
 The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and
 police pressed the copy button each time they thought the
 suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie
 detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

 9. When two service station attendants in Ionia,
 Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated
 robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still
 refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

 10. A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of
 walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph
 chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the
 vehicle to a stop.
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a
priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red 
lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He 
opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned
to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too
much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. 
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and 
"I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
   --Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of
      science, 1949
 "I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.'
  --Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
 "But what ... is it good for?"
    --Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM,
     1968,  commenting on the microchip.
 "There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
    --Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital
      Equipment Corp.,      1977
 "This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously 
 considered as a means of communication.  The device is inherently of 
 no value to us."
    --Western Union internal memo, 1876.
 "The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value.  Who 
 would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
    --David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for
      investment  in the radio in the 1920s.
 "The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn 
 better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible."
     --A Yale University management professor in response to Fred
      Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service.
      (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)
 "Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?"
    --H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.
 "I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not 
 Gary Cooper."
    --Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in
      "Gone With The Wind."
 "A cookie store is a bad idea.  Besides, the market research
 reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies 
 like you make."
    --Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.
 "We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.'
    --Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
 "Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible."
    --Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.
 "If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The 
 literature was full of examples that said you can't do this."
    --Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives
      for 3M Post-It" Notepads.
 "Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."
    --Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.
 "Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."
    --Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole
     Superieure de Guerre.
 "Everything that can be invented has been invented."
    --Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, US Office of Patents, 1899.
 "Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction".
    --Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872
 "The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the 
 intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon".
    --Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed
      Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.
 "640K ought to be enough for anybody."
    --Bill Gates, 1981
This Texan decides to try skydiving.  He jumps out of the plane,
pulls the ripcord and nothing happens.
On the way down he passes a guy going up, so he hollers, "Hey, y'all
know anything about parachutes?"
The guy says "No, do you know anything about gas barbecues?"
 okay, okay, i know some of these are old - but a few have
 slipped in and are quite funny!!!
 Happy New Year!
 Are you harboring a fugitive? (Hu Yu Hai Ding?) 
 Approach me. (Kum Hia)
 Stupid Fellow (Dum Gai)
 Small horse (Tai Ni Poni)
 Prices are too high here (No Bai Dam Ting) 
 Miami vacationing agreed with you (Ya Mai Ti Tan) 
 I bumped into a coffee table (Ai Bang Mai Ni) 
 Have you considered a face lift? (Chin Tu Fat) 
 You try saving electricity? (Wai So Dim?) 
 Unauthorized execution (Lin Ching)
 Inquiry to determine if bus is due (Hao Long Wei Ting?) 
 Plaything belonging to ancient emperor (Ming Toy) 
 You're blowing your diet (Wai Yu Mun Ching?) 
 Keep out of the pond (Noh Wei Ding) 
 Tow-away zone (No Pah King)
 Don't you know anything by Cole Porter? (Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?) 
 You are not very bright (Yu So Dum) 
 I have a press pass (Ai No Pei)
 I don't deserve the death penalty (Wai Hang Mi?) 
 You're suffering from chronic halitosis (Yu Bai Sen Sen Nao) 
 Remain out of sight (Lei Lo)
 Cleaning automobile (Wa Shing Cah)
 Did someone fertilize the field? (Hu Flung Dung?) 
 Your body odor is offensive (Shu Man Go) 
 They are approaching (Hia Dei Kum)
  Chinese Ebonics 
Happy New Year!

Are you harboring a fugitive? (Hu Yu Hai Ding?) 

Approach me. (Kum Hia)

Stupid Fellow (Dum Gai)

Small horse (Tai Ni Poni)

Prices are too high here (No Bai Dam Ting) 

Miami vacationing agreed with you (Ya Mai Ti Tan) 

I bumped into a coffee table (Ai Bang Mai Ni) 

Have you considered a face lift? (Chin Tu Fat) 

You try saving electricity? (Wai So Dim?) 

Unauthorized execution (Lin Ching)

Inquiry to determine if bus is due (Hao Long Wei Ting?) 

Plaything belonging to ancient emperor (Ming Toy) 

You're blowing your diet (Wai Yu Mun Ching?) 

Keep out of the pond (Noh Wei Ding) 

Tow-away zone (No Pah King)

Don't you know anything by Cole Porter? (Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?) 

You are not very bright (Yu So Dum) 

I have a press pass (Ai No Pei)

I don't deserve the death penalty (Wai Hang Mi?) 

You're suffering from chronic halitosis (Yu Bai Sen Sen Nao) 

Remain out of sight (Lei Lo)

Cleaning automobile (Wa Shing Cah)

Did someone fertilize the field? (Hu Flung Dung?) 

Your body odor is offensive (Shu Man Go) 

They are approaching (Hia Dei Kum)

Brief Intelligence Test
A quick test  of perception:  Don't cheat! 
   Read this sentence:
   Now count ALOUD the F's in that sentence.
   Count them ONLY ONCE: do not go back and count them again.
   See below...
   Answer below:
   There are six F's in the sentence.  
   There is no catch.  Many people forget the "OF"'s.  The human
   brain tends to see them as V's and not F's.
   Pretty weird, huh?  It fools almost everybody

Recently, DePauw graduate Dan Quayle announced his intentions to run for
President of the US in 2000.  Since the average attention span in the US 
is about as long as the average sitcom, and since many voters may not have 
been watching the news when these were said the first time, we provide you with
this list of famous Quayle quotes.  Enjoy these thought-provoking words of
wisdom from the man who would be our next president.
"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have
was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with
those people." (J. Danforth Quayle)
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." (J. Danforth Quayle)
Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and 
(J. Danforth Quayle)
"Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts." (J.
Danforth Quayle)
"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same
distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures 
where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that 
means  there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe." (J. 
Danforth Quayle)
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being
very wasteful. How true that is." (J. Danforth Quayle)
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in 
this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in
this century."  (J. Danforth Quayle)
"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and
democracy but that could change." (J. Danforth Quayle)
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and 
one word is 'to be prepared.'" (J. Danforth Quayle)
"May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world."  The
Quayles' 1989 Christmas card. [Not a beacon of literacy, though.]
"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things." (J. Danforth Quayle)
"I have made good judgments in the Past. I have made good judgments in the
Future." (J. Danforth Quayle)
"The future will be better tomorrow." (J. Danforth Quayle)
"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world." (J.
Danforth Quayle)
"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and
have a tremendous impact on history." (J. Danforth Quayle)
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." (J. Danforth Quayle)
"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm
commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe." (J. Danforth Quayle)
"Public speaking is very easy." (J. Danforth Quayle)
"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican." (J. Danforth Quayle)
"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix." (J. Danforth 
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the
polls"  (J. Danforth Quayle)
"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and 
the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame 
for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the  killings? The
killers are to blame." (J. Danforth Quayle)
"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having
it." (J. Danforth Quayle)
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur." (J.
Danforth Quayle)
"For NASA, space is still a high priority." (J. Danforth Quayle)
"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our
children." (J. Danforth Quayle)
"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Dan 
Quayle may or may not make." (J. Danforth Quayle)
"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on
the mistakes we may or may not have made." (J. Danforth Quayle)
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities
in our air and water that are doing it." (J. Danforth Quayle)
"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system." (J. Danforth
An Anagram is a word or phrase made by transposing or
rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. No
letters can be used twice or left out.
The following ones are exceptionally clever (someone out
there either has
way too much time on their hands or is deadly at Scrabble)
Word/Phrase Anagram
Dormitory/ Dirty Room
Evangelist/ Evil's Agent
Desperation/ A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code/ Here Come Dots
Slot Machines/Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity/ Is No Amity
Mother-in-law/ Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms/ Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness/ Genuine Class
Semolina/ Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries/ Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point/ I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes/ That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two/ Twelve plus one
Contradiction/ Accord not in it
This one is truly amazing:
"To be or not to be: that is the question, whether its
nobler in the mind
to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune."
"In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our
insistent hero,
Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten."
And for a contemporary one:
"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for
(Neil Armstrong, on the moon)
"A thin man ran; makes a large stride, left planet, pins
flag on moon. On to Mars."
And a final one, a perfect accompaniment to the impeachment
you're not going to believe this:
"President Clinton, of the USA"
"To copulate, he finds interns"
A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and
feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a 
and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk,
"I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says happily. 
A little while later he goes to McDonalds for lunch and asks the order
taker the same question, to which the reply is, "I'd guess that you're 
"Nope, I am actually 47."
He's starting to feel really good about himself. While standing at the bus
stop he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was
young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down
your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes I will be able to tell
your exact age." 
As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her
slip her hand down his pants. 
Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" 
The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds." 
Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and
thought they should go to college to get ahead.  The first goes in to
see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History and Logic.
"What's 'Logic'?", the first redneck asks.
The professor answers by saying:  "Let me give you an example.  
Do you own a weedeater"?
"Yup. Sure do".
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard", replied the 
"That's real good!" says the redneck.
The professor continues:  "Logic will also tell me that since you have
a yard, you also own a house."
Impressed, the redneck says:  "Amazin'!"
"And, since you own a house, logic dictates that you probably have a
"That's Betty-Mae!  This is incredible!"
The redneck is obviously catching on.
"Finally, since you have a wife, I can logically conclude that you
are heterosexual", said the professor.
 "You're absolutely right!  Why, that's the most fascinatin' thing I
ever did hear!  I can't wait to take that there logic class!!"
The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back
into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting.  "So what classes 
are ya takin'?" asks the friend.
"Math, History and Logic!" replies the first redneck.
"What in tarnation is 'Logic'??" asked his friend.
"Let me give you an example.  Do ya own a weedeater?" asked the first
"No", his friend replied.
Dear Cassius:
Are you still working on the Y-Zero-K problem?
This change from BC to AD is giving us a lot of headaches and we haven't 
much time left. I don't know how people will cope with working the wrong
way around.
Having been working happily downwards forever, now we have to start
thinking upwards. You would think that someone would have thought of it 
earlier and not left it to us to sort it all out at this last minute.
I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn't done 
something about it when he was sorting out the calendar. He said he could 
see why Brutus turned nasty. We called in Consultus, but he simply said
that continuing downwards using minus BC won't work and as usual charged 
a fortune for doing nothing useful. Surely we will not have to throw out 
all our hardware and start again?
Macrohard will make yet another fortune out of this I suppose.
The money lenders are paranoid of course! They have been told that all
usury rates will invert and they will have to pay their clients to 
takeout loans.
Its an ill wind ......
As for myself, I just can't see the sand in an hourglass flowing upwards. 
We have heard that there are three wise men in the East who have been 
working on the problem, but unfortunately they won't arrive until it's 
all over.
I have heard that there are plans to stable all horses at midnight at the 
turn of the year as there are fears that they will stop and try to run 
backwards, causing immense damage to chariots and possible loss of life. 
Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment of transition. 
Anyway, we are still continuing to work on this........ 

{ Go to (better?) jokes 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13 }