Joke collection nr. 12
by Jacob Holdt Note: these jokes (uncensored and certainly not all politically correct) are shown in the order I received them in emails from good and really "bad" American friends. I may have many, but even I don't "get them all."
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Believe it or Not!!!!!!!
Life in the 1500's
* Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and were still smelling pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the b.o.
* Baths equaled a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water".
* Houses had thatched roofs. Thick straw, piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the pets... dogs, cats and other small animals, mice, rats, bugs lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs."
* There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. So, they found if they made beds with big posts and hung a sheet over the top, it addressed that problem. Hence those beautiful big 4 poster beds with canopies.
* The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt, hence the saying "dirt poor."
* The wealthy had slate floors which would get slippery in the winter when wet. So they spread thresh on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed at the entry way, hence a "threshhold".
* They cooked in the kitchen in a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They mostly ate vegetables and didn't get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been in there for a month. Hence the rhyme: peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."
* Sometimes they could obtain pork and would feel really special when that happened. When company came over, they would bring out some bacon and hang it to show it off. It was a sign of wealth and that a man "could really bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."
* Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food. This happened most often with tomatoes, so they stopped eating tomatoes... for 400 years.
* Most people didn't have pewter plates, but had trenchers - a piece of wood with the middle scooped out like a bowl. Trenchers were never washed and a lot of times worms got into the wood. After eating off wormy trenchers, they would get "trench mouth."
* Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the "upper crust".
* Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a "wake".
* England is old and small, and they started running out of places to bury people. So, they would dig up coffins and would take their bones to a house and re-use the grave. In reopening these coffins, one out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on their wrist and lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night to listen for the bell. Hence on the "graveyard shift" they would know that someone was "saved by the bell" or he was a "dead ringer."
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Signs Of The Times
13 signs that you have had too much of the 90's:
1) You tried to enter your password on the microwave. 2) You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted." 3) You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years. 4) You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3. 5) You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he e-mails you back "What's for dinner?" 6) Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site. 7) You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year. 8) You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your e-mail buddies via a web page. 9) Your daughter just bought a CD of all the records your college roommate used to play. 10) You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea. 11) You check your blow dryer to see if it's Y2K compliant. 12) Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail Inbox, asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver. 13) You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
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The Cowboy
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.
He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled with surprising force. No one answered.
"ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHER BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS! AND I'D HATE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back!
He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender left the bar and asked meekly, "Say partner, before you go ... what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
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Subject: Questions A man wondered if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin. The reason is because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest. He asks for the priest's opinion. After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on the Sabbath." The man thinks, "What does a priest know about sex?" So, he decides to ask a minister. The minister gives the same reply as the priest had given him. Sex is work, and therefore not permitted on the Sabbath. Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play." The man asks, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others are convinced that sex is work?" The Rabbi replies, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it." ____________________________________________________________________ A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast; bacon, eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Grapefruit with coffee to follow? He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite." At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Perhaps a plate of snacks and a glass of milk? He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." Come tea time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She'll go to the café and buy him a burger. Maybe a steak and cheese pie? Pizza? Or a tasty stir fry that would only take a couple of minutes? He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite." "Well," she says, "would you mind getting off me? I'm starving!" do you know that viagra is covered by insurance companies but prenatal vitamins are not? Nor the Pill!! Boohiss. Boycott Viagra. _________________________________________________________________ Three blonde men are stranded on one side of a wide river, and don't know how to get across. The first man prays to god to make him smart enough to figure out how to cross the river, so god turns him into a brown-haired man and he swims across. The second man prays to god to make him even smarter, so god turns him into a jet-haired man and he builds a boat and rows across. Then the third man prays to god to make him the smartest of all, so god turns him into a woman and she walks across the bridge. I know it's stupid. Sorry. ___________________________________________________________________ A man is flying a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me. Can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man below says, "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. Latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude". "You must be an engineer," says the balloonist. "I am," replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost." The man below says, "You must be a manager." "I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," says the man below, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going, You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault." ________________________________________________________________________
Real life! Actual headlines from newspapers around the world: Include your Children when Baking Cookies Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents Iraqi Head Seeks Arms Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? Stud Tires Out Prostitutes Appeal to Pope Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again Eye Drops Off Shelf Teacher Strikes Idle Kids Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66 Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Axe Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told Miners Refuse to Work after Death Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant Stolen Painting Found by Tree Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in 84 War Dims Hope for Peace If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing Air Head Fired Steals Clock, Faces Time Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training ____________________________________________________________________ Psychiatric Christmas Carols SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do you Hear What I Hear? MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Kings Disoriented Are DEMENTIA: I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas NARCISSISTIC: Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and....... PARANOID: Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me. PERSONALITY DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonn Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why. DEPRESSION: Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely. OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, ....(oops, better start again) PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY: On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and Then Took it All Away). BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire. ______________________________________________________________________ The bartender was washing his glasses, and an elderly Irishman came in and with great difficulty, hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded and the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey also. The next patron was an ailing Italian with a hunched back and slowness of movement. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting down there. The bartender nodded and the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, also. The third patron, a redneck, swaggered in dragging his knuckles on the floor and hollered. "Barkeep, set me up a cold one. Hey, is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeep nodded, and the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one too. As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, and he got up and danced a jig to the door. Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten and he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door. Jesus walked toward the redneck, and the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me, I'm drawin' disability!" __________________________________________________________________________ A very old man goes to his doctor for an annual exam. He's accompanied by his wife. When they get there, the doctor says "I need three things from you. A urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample". The old man, being very hard of hearing, yells at his wife "What did he say? What does he want"? His wife yelled back "He said he needs your underwear!" ____________________________________________________________________________ THREE PROOFS THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A CHRISTIANITE 1. He had dropped his job 2. He had always trubbles with all those in authority 3. He suffered from "paranoia grandiosos" THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH: 1. He went into his father's business 2. He lived at home until the age of 33 3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH: 1. He never got married. 2. He never held a steady job 3. His last request was a drink THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS DANISH 1. He knew everything about how everybody else should live their lives 2. He thought he was perfect, and yet he took the blame for everything in the world 3. His good connexions did'nt help, when he needed it THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS SWEDISH 1. He did'nt smoke 2. He claimed, that water is as good as wine, you just have to believe it 3. His being together with the hookers was pure good fellowship THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN: 1. His first name was Jesus 2. He was always in trouble with the law 3. His mother did not know who his father was THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN: 1. He talked with his hands 2. He had wine with every meal 3. He worked in the building trades THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK: 1. He called everybody brother 2. He had no permanent address 3. Nobody would hire him THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS CALIFORNIAN: 1. He never cut his hair 2. He walked around barefoot 3. He invented a new religion ________________________________________________________________________________ In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years. Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire." And with that command, the statues came to life. The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have fifteen minutes. Would you like to continue?" The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?" Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure, but this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'LL shit on it's head!" ______________________________________________________________________________ BEWARE OF BREAD! (From the Partnership for a Bread-Free America) 1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users. 2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests. 3. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month! 4. Newborn babies can choke on bread. 5. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water begged for bread after as little as two days. 6. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts. 7. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations. 8. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread. 9. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute. 10. Many bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling. Reber Boult - NORML lawyer based in Albuquerque, NM _______________________________________________________________________ A small, but growing, segment of society no longer believes that woman was created from one of Adam's ribs. They feel their account of life's beginning on earth is more plausible. And God created Woman, giving her three breasts to nurse her young. And God spoke, saying to her, "I have created thee as I see fit, but mine is no longer the only opinion in the universe (Sigh). Is there anything about thee that thou would prefer differently? And Woman spoke, saying, "Lord, I am not made to birth whole litters; I do not need but two breasts." And God said, "Thou speak wisely, as I have created thee with wisdom." There was a bolt of lightning, and it was done, and Woman stood there holding her third breast in her hand. "What am I gonna do with this useless boob?" Woman asked. And so it was, God created man. _________________________________________________________________________ It is so refreshing that the Republican party has found a worthy successor to Dan Quayle. I feel so much better about who will be president in November. -Jeffrey You can request to get the Bushisms update from Slate magazine. Ain't it fun! -The Complete Bushisms Updated weekly. "I don't have to accept their tenants. I was trying to convince those college students to accept my tenants. And I reject any labeling me because I happened to go to the university." -Today, Feb. 23, 2000 "I understand small business growth. I was one." -New York Daily News, Feb. 19, 2000 "The senator has got to understand if he's going to have-he can't have it both ways. He can't take the high horse and then claim the low road." -To reporters in Florence, S.C., Feb. 17, 2000 "Really proud of it. A great campaign. And I'm really pleased with the organization and the thousands of South Carolinians that worked on my behalf. And I'm very gracious and humbled." -To Cokie Roberts, This Week, Feb. 20, 2000 "I don't want to win? If that were the case why the heck am I on the bus 16 hours a day, shaking thousands of hands, giving hundreds of speeches, getting pillared in the press and cartoons and still staying on message to win?" -Newsweek, Feb. 28, 2000 "I thought how proud I am to be standing up beside my dad. Never did it occur to me that he would become the gist for cartoonists." -ibid. "If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign." -Hilton Head, S.C., Feb. 16, 2000 "How do you know if you don't measure if you have a system that simply suckles kids through?" -Explaining the need for educational accountability in Beaufort, S.C., Feb. 16, 2000 "We ought to make the pie higher." -South Carolina Republican Debate, Feb. 15, 2000 "I do not agree with this notion that somehow if I go to try to attract votes and to lead people toward a better tomorrow somehow I get subscribed to some-some doctrine gets subscribed to me." -Meet The Press, Feb. 13, 2000 "I've changed my style somewhat, as you know. I'm less-I pontificate less, although it may be hard to tell it from this show. And I'm more interacting with people." -ibid "I think we need not only to eliminate the tollbooth to the middle class, I think we should knock down the tollbooth." -Nashua, N.H., as quoted by Gail Collins in the New York Times, Feb. 1, 2000 "The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my case." -Pella, Iowa, as quoted by the San Antonio Express-News, Jan. 30, 2000 "Will the highways on the Internet become more few?" -Concord, N.H., Jan. 29, 2000 "This is Preservation Month. I appreciate preservation. It's what you do when you run for president. You gotta preserve." -Speaking during "Perseverance Month" at Fairgrounds Elementary School in Nashua, N.H. As quoted in the Los Angeles Times, Jan. 28, 2000 "I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." -Greater Nashua, N.H., Chamber of Commerce, Jan. 27, 2000 "What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.' '-Quoted by Molly Ivins, the San Francisco Chronicle, Jan. 21, 2000 (Thanks to Toni L. Gould.) "When I was coming up, it was a dangerous world, and you knew exactly who they were," he said. "It was us vs. them, and it was clear who them was. Today, we are not so sure who the they are, but we know they're there." -Iowa Western Community College, Jan 21, 2000 "The administration I'll bring is a group of men and women who are focused on what's best for America, honest men and women, decent men and women, women who will see service to our country as a great privilege and who will not stain the house." -Des Moines Register debate, Iowa, Jan. 15, 2000 "This is still a dangerous world. It's a world of madmen and uncertainty and potential mential losses." -At a South Carolina oyster roast, as quoted in the Financial Times, Jan. 14, 2000 "We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor just like you like to be liked yourself." -ibid. "Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?" -Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000 "Gov. Bush will not stand for the subsidation of failure." -ibid. "There needs to be debates, like we're going through. There needs to be town-hall meetings. There needs to be travel. This is a huge country." -Larry King Live, Dec. 16, 1999 "I read the newspaper." -In answer to a question about his reading habits, New Hampshire Republican Debate, Dec. 2, 1999 "I think it's important for those of us in a position of responsibility to be firm in sharing our experiences, to understand that the babies out of wedlock is a very difficult chore for mom and baby alike. ... I believe we ought to say there is a different alternative than the culture that is proposed by people like Miss Wolf in society. ... And, you know, hopefully, condoms will work, but it hasn't worked." -Meet the Press, Nov. 21, 1999 "The students at Yale came from all different backgrounds and all parts of the country. Within months, I knew many of them." -From A Charge To Keep, by George W. Bush, published November 1999 "It is incredibly presumptive for somebody who has not yet earned his party's nomination to start speculating about vice presidents." -Keene, N.H., Oct. 22, 1999, quoted in the New Republic, Nov. 15, 1999 "The important question is, How many hands have I shaked?" -Answering a question about why he hasn't spent more time in New Hampshire, in the New York Times, Oct. 23, 1999 "I don't remember debates. I don't think we spent a lot of time debating it. Maybe we did, but I don't remember." -On discussions of the Vietnam War when he was an undergraduate at Yale, Washington Post, July 27, 1999 "The only thing I know about Slovakia is what I learned first-hand from your foreign minister, who came to Texas." -To a Slovak journalist as quoted by Knight Ridder News Service, June 22, 1999. Bush's meeting was with Janez Drnovsek, the prime minister of Slovenia. "If the East Timorians decide to revolt, I'm sure I'll have a statement." -Quoted by Maureen Dowd in the New York Times, June 16, 1999 "Keep good relations with the Grecians." -Quoted in the Economist, June 12, 1999 "Kosovians can move back in." -CNN Inside Politics, April 9, 1999 "It was just inebriating what Midland was all about then." -From a 1994 interview, as quoted in First Son, by Bill Minutaglio ________________________________________________________________________________________ HOW TO BATHE THE CAT Thoroughly clean the toilet. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids raised to open position. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids ,(you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his claws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a ''power wash and rinse'' which I have found to be quite effective. Have someone open the nearest door to the yard and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and this door. Also, be sure that any hallway doors are FULLY opened. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids! The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside, where he will dry himself. Sincerely, The DOG ___________________________________________________________________ So, you think you're cold? Subject: Degrees Of Cold _ ( \ \ \ "Cold" is a relative term. / / /\ / / .-`````-. / ^`-. Use the handy list below to \ \ / \_/ {|} `o overcome the confusion. \ \ / .---. \\ _ ,--' \ \/ / \, \( `^^^ \ \/\ (\ ) \ ) \ ) \ \ ) /__ \__ ) (\ \___ (___)))__))(__))(__))) Degrees (Fahrenheit) 65 Hawaiians declare a two-blanket night 60 Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one) 50 Miami residents turn on the heat 45 Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts 40 You can see your breath Californians shiver uncontrollably Minnesotans go swimming 35 Italian cars don't start 32 Water freezes 30 You plan your vacation to Australia 25 Ohio water freezes Californians weep pitiably Minnesotans eat ice cream Canadians go swimming 20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless New York City water freezes Miami residents plan vacation further South 15 French cars don't start Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you 10 You need jumper cables to get the car going 5 American cars don't start 0 Alaskans put on T-shirts -10 German cars don't start Eyes freeze shut when you blink -15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects Miami residents cease to exist -20 Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you Politicians actually do something about the homeless Minnesotans shovel snow off roof Japanese cars don't start -25 Too cold to think You need jumper cables to get the driver going -30 You plan a two week hot bath Swedish cars don't start -40 Californians disappear Minnesotans button top button Canadians put on sweaters Your car helps you plan your trip South -50 Congressional hot air freezes Alaskans close the bathroom window -80 Hell freezes over Polar bears move South Viking Fans order hot cocoa at the game -90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets ____________________________________________________________________
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